"Akuku Danger"

The modern day human of either gender cannot fathom siring or bearing a dozen of children let alone three of them. This is why I confess to having a lot of respect for one man by the name of “Akuku Danger” who defied all odds and defeated the norm. For those who do not know him, he was Kenyan presumably of a community referred to as Luhya. The more than six feet giant, not only did he sire a dozen of children but more than a hundred of them. Additionally, his physique allowed him to marry as many women as possible to achieve this end. Need I mention that marrying even a single woman if you are the monogamous type requires fulfilling your conjugal and family obligations? Imagine then a scenario where a herd of them is involved. Since I do not hail from his community, I do not know neither how the name came about nor do I know its meaning. Since I have a gift in speculating, I could do so in this instance. If you consider the name Akuku and go further to eliminate the first vowel in the name, you form the name “Kuku” which is Swahili for chicken. I do not therefore need to explain how fowls behave in relationships, sex and marriage if these aspects exist in their cluster. The name “Danger” is self explanatory if you learned some English in school. Thus the name “Akuku Danger”! I am not writing this however; to scrutinize the man “Akuku Danger” and may the Great Supernatural rest his soul in eternal peace. I am here for the character and to qualify what it entails being of “Akuku's” ilk. You may not have the potential or the will and desire to sire hundreds of siblings or marry a herd of women albeit being an “Akuku”.

One such man that I believe is an “Akuku” is my friend Nyakundi alias Nyash, the accounting wizard who finds mathematics interesting and satisfying. Despite the fact that he is caught up by lapse of time appropriate to form a coalition with a woman in holy matrimony if not traditionally, Nyash continues to ride in his pride as a successful senior bachelor. He should be marking his forty fifth birthday in a couple of months yet he believes he has a lot of time at his disposal to run around with young women suitable as his own children. He says he isn't ready to marry at least not now, but in future. Future?!. At forty five years of age, I am perturbed and curious to see the future he refers to. Nyash suffers from sex withdrawal disorder if not a disease. He says lack of sex makes him feel similar to how he feels if he failed to drown his throat with beer cocktails over the weekends. He is married to beer!

He buys sex just like he buys beer over the counter. His typical weekend is characterized by sex, beer, and a sound of “mugithi”. For the sake of foreigners, “mugithi” is a type of music that emanates from the sound of a guitar, strummed by the singer while spitting comical lyrics which at times could be strictly suitable for adults due to their lewd nature. In most occasions, it is enjoyed by beer revelers. While under the influence of “mugithi” and clenching a bottle of beer in his hand, Nyash shops around the dance floor for suitable and consenting sex vendors. While going around in his window shopping, he spanks women's bottoms and touches unpleasantly in all forbidden quarters thus explaining why on Mondays his face appears swollen and dented from the slaps he receives from unwilling victims. He calls the process testing waters.

I have seen women of all sizes, ages, shapes, and appearances emanate from Nyash' house in the wee hours at break of dawn every Monday morning after he leaves for work. I do not rule out the possibility of them being his relatives. However, I have tried building up a family chain to relate them to my friend and I couldn't come up with a decisive family tree suitable in an ordinary family setting. I have therefore confirmed they are sex vendors. If they are family, then surely, Nyash has a peculiar one comprised of females only, of all ages, sizes and shapes. I therefore tend to predict how my good friend, neighbor is likely to die. I can figure out three ways. One of them is contracting a sexually transmitted infection probably a “kaswede” or “kamdudu”. I can assure you that, at the rate at which Nyash gets sexually involved and variety that comes with the indulgence, if he caught a sexually transmitted infection it wouldn't auger well with him. He is likely to acquire for himself a hybrid drug resistant “kaswede” or a hybrid drug resistant “kamdudu” if not both hybrids. Furthermore he likens condoms to socks and never imagines using them.

The other possible cause of his death could be an accident. He is likely to overturn his vehicle that he ironically uses over the weekends and die with it, while driving under the influence of “kanyuaji” alias beer coupled with distractions originating from the perk of women that he carries in it in doing the business of sex vending since intense haggling is involved along the way. The most interesting of all accidents that could occur to him is being knocked to death by a moving vehicle or falling off a footbridge while crossing the road. This is because of his uncouth behavior of staring and drooling at women. It is impossible of him to walk past a 'suggestively' dressed woman without twisting his neck as he turns his head to stare if not halting halfway across the road. He then whistles and nods before walking away in disbelief and utter greed. He knocks other pedestrians, poles and walls if not falling into a ditch or climbing city council trash bins and pavements.

Sexually transmitted infections and accidents notwithstanding, the wrath of an angry mob could possibly descend and perch on him anytime. The mob could emanate from the public, sex vendors or other sex buyers, his competitors in the business of buying and hawking sex. The public is likely to vent anger upon him by accusing him of spoiling their daughters and setting a bad example to children in the community. Worse could be indulging with school girls under the legal age. Since Nyash is an accountant and a keen manager of figures, his stinginess for money insights him to refuse settling debts that accrue from services rendered by his sex vendors. They are likely to be aggrieved and form a lobby union against their employer and collectively descend on him and send him straight to the grave. If he survives their wrath, he wouldn't suppress the venom of bitter rivals whom he has in many occasions snatched their women out of their possession. They are likely to descend upon his bald head with bottles of beer and spill his brains out and about. Either of these ways, Nyash' brains could soon be doing accounting mathematics in another planet, probably hell or paradise if the Great Supernatural finds in his mercy to pardon him. He is “Akuku” in a different skin!

Compiled by tickler

Son of the Unquenched

Kevin Murungi

murungikevin@yahoo.com

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