During These Economic Hardships

It's obvious that notes and coins are never enough unless you happen to grow some in your garden. A thief will be eying for potential customers of his masterpiece in form of ngeta to get more for his pocket. If you have never been a victim of the so called ngeta pray to the supernatural that it is never sold to you at a price. You are either living in another planet or probably a foreigner non-observant being if you do not recognize this masterpiece called ngeta. For your sake, let me chew it up for you. A ngeta is a product of its kind, unique to the producer who goes by the name a thief. In simple terms a thief uses an art he has perfected for quiet sometime to get possession of your wallet illegally. It does not matter to him at that particular moment whether your wallet happens to suffer from malnutrition or obesity. It is after this professor of ngeta takes illegal ownership of your wallet that he goes ahead to declare it malnourished or obese at his own convenient time. A malnourished wallet is one that notes and coins which translate into money have not been generous enough to visit it. In simple language a malnourished wallet is usually a broke. On the other hand, an obese wallet holder happens to have implemented vast ideas of his own, wooing the generosity of the notes and coins into his wallet. I mean his wallet is usually bloated or rather loaded with legal tender aka money. Therefore, a thief  who perfects the art of ngeta by putting a lock on  your neck using an implement known as hands and rendering you breathless, prefers  the latter rather than the former during these hard economic periods.

Unlike the thief, a mafia billionaire never uses the art of ngeta to get more for his safe. A mafia billionaire is bound to have sleepless nights thinking of how to smuggle cocaine to make more millions. He would also be thinking of who’s next on the list to terminate. A mafia billionaire therefore perfects the art of eliminating cum terminating. An eliminator is someone who removes any barriers ahead of him by completely plucking them off. Barriers to this effect include fellow beings known as humans. Plucking off a barrier would translate to either dismantling it or killing it. You must have heard of mafia eliminators across the Diaspora or have seen one in the movies. That is the role of rogue billionaires. If you happen to be getting richer by day through vast business empires that you have created and you find yourself in the bracket of billionaires, watch out or you risk elimination. My advice to you is to avoid doing business with that trusted fellow billionaire. This is because posing a threat to the billionaire by competing with him for a greater catch, losing your life mysteriously is likely. If you are lucky to escape becoming past tense or ‘kicking the bucket’ mysteriously, I can assure you that cocaine shall be planted in your car or you shall find a dead being in your compound or car trunk leading you to being confiscated by the long arm of the law and eventually rotting in jail leaving your business partner at large. In simple terms, your fellow billionaire is likely to frame you for murder or drug trafficking and we shall declare you terminated aka eliminated. During these hard economic periods, do not double cross a fellow billionaire by posing a business competitor.

I do not live in Mars or Pluto but earth, the same planet that is domicile for thieves and billionaires, the same one that experiences economic hardships. It is why when economic hardships hit, I am not an exceptional. I do not keep my money in a safe or a strong room like a billionaire but in a wallet. If it cannot fit in the wallet, more room is created in my socks. If more becomes much, I wear underwear that I have personally customized by creating pockets in it and providing zippers for that matter. If much becomes too much, I turn to self proclaimed best keepers known as banks. I rarely have too much anyway; hence my visit to the bank is poor. My bank account therefore does not qualify to be issued with a bank statement on several occasions. This in effect, disqualifies me as a billionaire. I have not perfected the art of ngeta and I do not intend to. This is because I proclaim to be a staunch Christian and I confess the name of the supernatural. The gospel according to the holy book of the supernatural called the bible, forbids and disqualifies stealing. I am therefore forbidden from stealing or robbing hence unlikely to become a thief. Hopes of becoming a councilor and probably a member of parliament {M.P} later on were thwarted after I led my fellow villagers in seeking the golden handshake from the country’s top C.E.O prompting them to denounce me as their C.E.O. I cannot henceforth become a councilor or an MP which would have earned me free money exempt of heavy taxation ice caked with allowances cum bonuses without breaking any sweat. You will agree with me that politicians, at least from where I hail from, do not earn money in form of salaries for jobs well done but earn goodies in form of lump sums for jobs unattended to. They dare not do that during these economic hardships.

Since I am disqualified as a billionaire and a thief, bearing these hardships becomes a huge mountain to move. Moving the mountain of a malnourished wallet prompts someone to come up with other ideas that shall translate it to obese. The only idea that I have implemented is starting a business. I can confirm to you that I am a proud owner of a business that specializes in supplying veve aka khat to potential taxi loaders. I call it the kangeta base kiosk. I have been running the kiosk for a while now recording supernormal profits by fulfilling my customers’ needs of getting them high until some governments decided khat was grass. At the moment economic hardships have hit and recession has visited my business leading to registering losses. I cannot wound up the business though. This is because I expect that things shall be looking up again after I come up with new ideas to maintain my kiosk in business. Going to my bank to request a small loan would definitely prove futile. I am likely to be given a stone face look by lending manager telling me that they don’t lend to people who do not lend to them. To save the embarrassment, I withhold the idea for the moment. Turning to other lenders like my neighbor Mwuara, I risk getting a broken nose since I already hold unpaid debts with him. In other words, I have virtually borrowed from every person I know including all my friends such that I am already a debtor with everybody as my creditor. So I dare not approach anyone among them for the moment. Mwaura included. I must say that these hard economic periods are not only huge mountains to move but also white elephants expensive to maintain.

I have decided to cut down on my expenses and probably mitigate the crisis at least an inch. I can cut on personal effects like tissue paper and opt for old newspapers or banana leaves. I could also opt for a natural toothbrush instead of the artificial one that would require toothpaste. In case you are lost on what I refer as a natural toothbrush, I mean breaking a small twig from a tree and chewing it up converting it into a toothbrush hence a natural toothbrush. I could cut on taking tea with milk and opt for black tea without sugar. A financial advisor would definitely concur with me that I could cut on all these effects but not on the maintenance cost of my prime minister-ess or rather wife to be. Cutting maintenance cost on her is tantamount to committing suicide. It would mean that she is bound to bring in a third party who is capable of withstanding the cost. This is why I prefer cutting on personal costs and translating them into her maintenance costs. Failure to this, a grand coalition with her as the prime minister-ess and I the president through marriage would not be forthcoming. At the moment, I have managed to afford her by cutting on my personal costs. I plan to continue with the idea until the grace of the supernatural I become a millionaire.

I am thinking of implementing an idea that just crossed my mind. I could get a sugar mama who is loaded with cash for my maintenance costs. I have already identified one and I will be approaching her soon. I shall tell her that, her beauty is still glittering despite the fact that she is all but wrinkled. I will also stress to her that she requires someone to drive her around to her private meetings during this time she is aging. If she happens to be married, I shall convince her that her husband has aged a lot and he cannot perform. Performance includes administration of conjugal rights. If the sugar mama happens to be widowed, I shall console her by telling her that it’s sad to have been widowed longer than necessary and it was time to go ahead and get herself a companion for her sake. I will offer myself as a potential candidate. Having done that, I expect to be absorbed into her government and qualify for budgetary allocation during her time of allocating funds to her various ‘ministries’. During these economic hardships, one requires super ideas from hand full brains like mine to survive. The idea of acquiring a sugar mama, I prophesy shall work. It has worked for the likes of Mbugua’s and Wambui’s during these hard economic periods.

Compiled by the tickler

Son of the unquenched

Kevin Murungi

murungikevin@yahoo.com

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