Church Mitosis

I have never been a Biology geek, neither have I been the dumb one nor the worst. In my heydays while in High school, I was thereabouts, among those who heard something, a concept and retained some whereas the rest of it evaporated from the other ear. I do not blame the teacher who for the purpose of this story I will call him pastor. He used to shave everything that was called hair on his head and all he had was a shiny bald head. The reason I call him pastor is because he used to lead in prayers in most gatherings within the school compound. Besides that, he clad the white lab cloak come rain or shine as long as he was within the vicinity of the school compound. He was a walking Biology encyclopedia, that is why he was able to infect some minds willing to learn, like that of a classmate I respect very much, little Paul, with the same disease which made them cough, sneeze and even snore anything science and more so, Biology.

I’m not here to tell you about my noble Biology tutor, but to apply the little of it that I retained during the days when I was once a student in his class. I happen to remember one concept known as mitosis. If you are worse than I, then I’m fit to teach you one or two things about mitosis. I shall start by enlightening you that mitosis is not a medical condition nor is it one of those malignant disease you shiver by its mention of its name such as Kaswede aka Genital Herpes. It is a process of cell divisions that further replicate themselves to form an identical creature as the final product. Say more or less a copy cat. Mitosis happens in cells of living creatures, plants and animals. However, I dare apply this concept in the church of this era. I witness mitosis of the church day in, day out especially when I recall those days when the church was noble, a single cell with common principles and agendas. I recall my childhood in church when I was a member of the Sunday school when the sound of music emanated only from the harmony of voices in the church choir in unison. I recall the sound of the drums and the famous accordion, the ululations amidst hymn songs and the atmosphere was Godly without a doubt.

I recall when the offering session was graceful, without pressure from the altar but sincere from the bottom of our hearts. I must retaliate that, offering was not generally in monetary form but also produce from our farms. I find that African. Offering mitosis has since began a metamorphosis and is all in entirety a new phenomenon. The game of numbers is here now. Trickery like planting seeds of money that have made Mwaura, my neighbor, get to the extent of censoring his wife from going to the church she used to worship in with all the herd of children that Mwaura has managed to ordain her with. Mwaura’s wife has time without number planted seeds so that her husband can forfeit his visits to Mama Pima’s, Kanyuaji aka beer den for salvation. On the contrary, whenever she sows a seed under direction of her pastor, her husband turns out into a different monster. Instead of getting the usual a thousand shillings for household upkeep for a week’s supplies from Mwaura, she gets it with deductions. One deduction that Mwaura does is the tithe. He says since his wife found it fit to plant a seed of three hundred and seventy seven shillings that her pastor required her to donate to the church, he can only give her the reminder from the usual supply, which too, is hardly enough for a week’s upkeep of his household considering the overflowing number of children in his house who have to eat from the same pot.

Then there is my friend Nyakundi alias Nyash, the professional accountant who says I have a jinx for numbers. I can see some truth in that and I therefore cannot complain. Nyash naturally eats three things namely beer, food and numbers. The immediate latter is like a dessert whereas beer is like his main course. Food is a by the way, for him to continue living. Although Nyash is a perpetual consumer of the brewery product and a master in the game of preying on twilight women along the streets of Nairobi, he’s a loyal churchgoer every Sunday morning notwithstanding the status of his engagements throughout Friday and Saturday nights. He says if not for anything else, he at least owes God aka the great Supernatural for finding him appropriate to carry mathematics in his head, a gift that has made him successful in the field of hiding and exposing numbers normally called accounting. He therefore rises early for the morning service every Sunday morning to give thanks. It is for this reason why he has decided to go digital. I have known Nyash for a while now, and I know he doesn’t use his money anyhow if not on beer and women, especially not on expensive gadgets like I pads. Nyash has since acquired a state of the art smart gadget known as an I pad that he only uses on Sundays. He says on Sunday he has to carry his ‘bible’ and a ‘hymn book’, then I see him pick the new I pad. I have been curious for a while now and for a moment I had a thought that the pints of beer my friend had constantly drained into his body had now started doing a mitosis in his brain which made me afraid for him that I could soon be taking him to a modern herbalist aka doctor to diagnose him of brain damage.

It is until I looked around, the pews of his church which broadcasts live on Television every Sunday morning and realized Nyash was not an exception. I now can confirm to you that my friend is not suffering from brain mitosis, but Bible mitosis. I have noticed that for as long as I can look behind since time immemorial, the good book of the Supernatural aka The Bible has since undergone mitosis and has since become an I pad. I then tend to wonder, if the church mitosis has been able to convert the good book into an I pad, thanks to ‘going digital’ mantra, what has the most merciful and honorable Supernatural been turned to. I’m curious to know whether the great Supernatural has undergone metamorphosis to keep up with ‘going digital’ mantra. Bible mitosis aside, I hardly can keep up with the music of the day which is meant to be consumed by the great Supernatural aka Gospel music. I can confirm to you that church choir has since undergone mitosis and is now under metamorphosis of becoming a church band or karaoke. Gospel mitosis is underway and even though I miss those days when gospel music emanated from the sweet sounds of a drum and accordion accompanied by beautiful voices and ululations of a Godly church choir, there’s nothing I can do now. Hate the player not the game and if you can’t beat them join them, are now the odds I have to contend with. I chose not to join them, but I surely will hate the player. I’m my own matchmaker and since I do not want the great Supernatural to be forced in undergoing mitosis and have to undergo metamorphosis in order for us to understand each other, I shall continue with my traditional Bible and the good orderly gospel music that I understand. I’m encouraged to travel this road as a lone ranger by the fact that the great Supernatural has said that He is He that was, and is, who He was then, now, and He changes not, the Alpha and the Omega.

Compiled by Tickler,

Son of ‘the unquenched’

Kevin Murungi

murungikevin@yahoo.com

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